social appropriateness and marital boundaries

Here's the scenario...

John decides he would like to take a vacation. He asks his wife (Jane) if she would like to come along. She declines stating that she would not be able to get time off to go. Since the trip wasn't to somewhere super exciting, John is a little sad, but okay with his wife's decision. The next week, a male friend (Ben) of the wife's decides he would like to come visit her. Due to his schedule, only one certain week really works for him (the week after John's vacation), and since Jane had been friends with him for so long, and hadn't seen him in a while, she tells the friend to come (without consulting her husband - because really, it's her house too, she can have visitors if she wants). Ben happens to be someone who rubbed John the wrong way at a previous encounter. And after reluctantly agreeing to Ben's visit, John finds out that the dates Ben originally said he was going to be there were extented... extended into the time when he (John) was going to be on vacation - leaving Ben at home, alone, with Jane. Also, John finds out that Jane is going to be taking time off to show Ben around during his visit. John is not happy (especially after her excuse of no time off), but feels that since the tickets were already bought, there was nothing he could do.

The week of Ben's visit comes, and John finds himself not wanting to go home after work because of Jane's behavior. John realizes that Jane is treating their guest with more respect and courtesy than she is treating him. Jane says she is just trying to be hospitable to their guest, and didn't feel like she was doing anything wrong. After a few days, John sees Jane in a new nightgown (nothing sexy, just something comfy to wear around at bedtime and to sleep in). Jane tells John that it was a gift from Ben to thank her for allowing him to stay with her during his visit. John does not like the idea that another man bought sleep apparel for his wife, but Jane says that Ben meant nothing by it, and that John was over reacting. Needless to say, the rest of Ben's visit was very uncomfortable for John. Upon Ben's departure, he didn't even thank John for allowing him to be a guest in his and Jane's home. Just one more reason for John to not like Ben.

John decided to talk to Jane about the visit. Jane feels that her husband is over reacting and that nothing was inappropriate about Ben's visit. She feels that John was just brought up in a different manner than she and Ben, and that her behavior was acceptable. Jane feels like she doesn't need to validate John's feelings because she did nothing wrong. John feels that, even if Jane thinks she did nothing wrong, she should respect and honor his feelings. He feels that if there were something he was doing that Jane didn't like, out of respect for her, he would stop the offending behavior. He also feels that Ben should have known better. If Ben were a true friend, he would have been supportive of John and Jane's marital boundaries, and not put himself in situations that anyone would find inappropriate.

Before jumping to conclusions about who is who, be objectionable. Don't take a side just because you know Jane, or because you know John, or even because you know Ben. Think about how you would feel if you were each of the characters. There is no someone's right and someone's wrong... I'm just trying to get a feel for how different people from different parts of the world were raised. You can leave comments, or email me directly with your thoughts.